Throughout this journey of grieving, emotions surface, and I am quickly learning that there is no warning. They just smack you right upside the head and say “HEY! I’m not done with you yet!”
After I picked up the kids from school last Wednesday, the kids and I loaded up Alli’s goat, JarJar, into the large dog kennel in the back of the truck and headed for the fair. Just as I pulled into the parking lot, SMACK! It nearly took my breath away!
On May 4, 2013, Sean came to the house and helped me load up Jar Jar into the truck and the four of us headed to the same fairgrounds, so that we could participate in the 4h Youth Fair. It happened to fall on the same day that the kids were having their birthday party/sleep over at my house, so after the Youth Fair, we went and grabbed a bite to eat at In-N-Out Burger, and Sean followed me back to the house to help me unload the goat. After that, he proceeded to help me clean up and get ready for their party. He swept the back patio and cleaned out the pool, he even helped me tidy up the house, and raised the light in my living room so I wouldn’t keep hitting my head on it, every time I got up from the couch. Sean would always do those kinds of things for me. No matter how much he thought he hated me at the time, he was always there for me. Whenever I had trouble with a vehicle, I could just call him over the phone and tell him what was going on and because he knew me so well, and could understand what I was trying to say, he could tell me exactly what was wrong with the car, and then he would even help me fix it!
Just a simple task of driving into a parking lot brought back a huge rush of emotions … but the kids were with me, and they were happy and excited, so I could not let on what I was feeling … but they remembered themselves … So we talked a little bit about good and happy times with daddy, while I continuously went the wrong way! We finally found where we were supposed to go, and we unloaded the goat into the pen it would living in, for the next 4 days!
|Wednesday, getting everything ready and set up for the fair to start!|
On Thursday, Alli did great! She was pretty bummed that she did not win the costume contest or the obstacle course, but we talked about it, and I TRIED to get her to understand that it’s not always about winning, and just because she looked the cutest, did not mean that her and/or her goat performed the best, and I think I eventually got thru to her.
Sean always knew exactly what and how to say things to the kids so that they understood … He had a way with our kids that I have never possessed, and he could encourage them and get them excited about doing things that may have been scary to them. I don’t want to learn how to be him … I wan him to be here to do everything I can’t!!
She looked so beautiful! They were dressed up as a bride and groom!
And he should have been there to see it. He never missed any of their activities. He should have been there to help me and to help them!!
On Friday, she got into the main arena and learned how to show her goat next year, since this is the last year she will just be “participating”. Next year she will be eligible to place!
|4h Pygmy Goat Group|
Friday after showmanship, the kids and I spent a little time at the fair. Took a few pictures and rode a few rides! I bought myself a locket, and inside I put his December birthstone, an angel wing, an In Memory Of heart and the American Sign Language hand ‘I love you’. The ASL I love you is what sold it for me, because the four of us ALWAYS signed that to eachother when we couldn’t say the words. The kids could always find us at school performances, they would just look for ‘I love you’ sticking up above the heads in the crowd. Dylan even won a free karate class!!
And trying to talk to this poor woman, I couldn’t keep the tears from rolling, and even had to walk away … The reason Dylan needs to take karate is because of his behavior issues since Sean’s death. He should be taking karate lessons WITH his dad, just like Sean did with his dad. Dylan was so excited to find the picture of Sean and his dad when they were in Karate, and he was also bummed that Sean had never told him that before.
|See, they love each other sometimes! 😉|
Overall, we had a great time at the fair! Next year, Alli AND Dylan will have their goat at the fair and participating!! 🙂 Although I was hit with a ton of emotions and memories, I survived … as did the kids!
There is nothing that the kids and I can do, without the constant reminder that Sean is gone. Sean took a piece of each one of us, the day he died. Pieces that will never be replaced, and no one will ever be able to fill. That piece is gone, forever. We will never “get over” his death, nor will our lives ever be “normal” again. We do, however, have to work together, the 3 of us, and make a “new normal” so that each day that passes, we can become a little stronger and more confident that we can survive, even though a piece of us all is missing.
As you will soon learn, I’m sure, songs were our thing so, based on the song “Crazy Girl” by Eli Young Band …
‘I miss you like crazy boy!’