Does suicide change my romantic future?

For me, the fact that Sean died by suicide, and not by cancer or another “natural” cause has greatly affected my ability to cope with his death, or “get over it” … I only know this because just 5 months earlier, I lost my mom to cancer. At 32 years old, my mom (52) and husband (37) should both still be here, but I am left to raise 2 kids by myself, nonetheless. Knowing and preparing for my moms death made it much easier to move forward, for me, and that’s not to say that i don’t miss her tremendously and think of her almost daily. However, I am reminded that each person is different, and copes with death differently, by a friend who is still haunted by her fathers death, who, at age 70, lost his battle to cancer over 5 years ago.

I only know, that for me, I have a list of criteria that must be met, and I’m sure the list will grow in time …

  1. No one will ever replace Sean, he is the love of my life and I will always love him, any man who wants to be with me would need to understand that. Not saying I couldn’t love another again someday,  but they will never replace him.
  2. Keeping Sean’s memory alive is one promise I will never break. And talking about him with my children will never go away.
  3. Suicide is not a logical choice and was not made by a logical mind, and saying or thinking Sean was heartless, selfish or intentional, in any way is a deal breaker.
  4. No one will EVER be my children’s father, and they will not call another man dad … yet I would expect the next man to treat my kids as his own, and help me raise them. They could be their step dad, but never their dad.
  5. Sean could fix, install, replace or repair just about anything, anywhere, they would have to be able to do so as well.
  6. I’m not a sports fan. I like racing and that’s it.

It’s a short list with very big items, that I don’t think any man will ever be able to meet, or want to, for that matter … I am ok with being alone. I’m sure I will date eventually but I don’t think I will ever fall in love again … and I believe that suicide plays a large part in that …

My rays of sushine, they are all I need

My rays of sushine, they are all I need


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