Our story

I wrote this on August 1, 2013, just 3 months after Seans death. I was finally able to put my story down in words, so I thought I would share … It’s pretty long, so I won’t be offended it you don’t make it all the way through the entire thing!!

My husband, Sean, took his life May 30, 2013.

For the past 5 years, everyone thought his paranoia was all because of drug use in his past. However, even when the drugs were gone, the delusions never went away … He then began to hear voices (he could see and hear me whispering), he was taken into custody and sent to the ER on a 5150 in early January. At the end of March, he tried to take his life, but due to alcohol, he threw up the 70-80 pain pills that he had taken, and that is what saved his life then. At that time, he spent 5 days in a psychiatric hospital, only to be released with a months’ worth of anti-psychotic medication. Even with a release on file, not one person at the hospital would ever call his mom back, and she was simply trying to ask how we should approach the situation, and how we could best help him when he got home … Not one phone call …

At that time, we were staying with his mom and grandma. It was a tight squeeze, but the kids shared a room with us, his mom and his grandma each had their own room, and the kids usually slept on an air mattress in the living room… It was about a week after he got home from the hospital that I moved out …

Pretty quickly after being released, he found a psychiatrist, who he saw once. They took his information, collected a copay, and after ONE 30 minute visit, the doctor decreased his medication from 2x per day to 1x a day and did not schedule another visit until the following month. Before his next visit, he received a letter in the mail, stating that they could not bill his insurance because they are out of network, and now he had to pay $275 for the previous visit and bill his own insurance for reimbursement … Mind you, they collected a CO-PAY at the time of the visit, and also indicated that all future visits would be cancelled until the balance of $275 was paid and any new visits were paid in full at the time of the appointment … That does NOT go over well with a delusional/paranoid person!

He was still paranoid, but we would see each other every day, whether he dropped by my place in the morning because I didn’t wake up in time, or he would stop by my work at break or even after work, sometimes we would go have dinner with the kids. We still talked on the phone every day, all day, and talk about how much we wanted a life together.

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The morning of May 30, I had stayed the night at my friend’s house, and I received a wakeup call from Sean … I couldn’t understand him, because he was slurring his words so badly. I told him that it was scaring me, and that he needed to go to the hospital. We kept going back and forth, until finally, my friend took the phone from me and talked to him. All I remember her saying is “Yes, Sean, if you get help, the Samoans at the back gate will go away.”

On my way home to get ready for work, I told him that I was going home, and his response was “aren’t you coming here?” and I told him no, I couldn’t afford to loose my job … Sometimes I wonder if it would’ve helped any, made things worse or if he would’ve ended up hurting me as well, if I had gone there that morning, or accepted his call at 10am … I know you’re not supposed to, but the guilt, regret, and pain are extremely intense … any more than anything, is the “what-ifs” … I am pretty good about stopping those thoughts, because I know and understand that nothing can change what has happened, and even if I could’ve helped him that day, he was never going to be the man I fell in love with, ever again … I have also found myself a new hobby … I have gotten into making jewelry, and it keeps my mind occupied so i don’t just sit and cry, and I am excited about something, which is a plus!

Anyhow, I had texted his mom that morning @10 saying that his slurring was really bothering me, and if she didn’t want to, I would call the cops. A few minutes later, her response was “the cops are already here, and I didn’t call them” … turns out, he tried to jump in front of a moving vehicle (right about the time of my missed call from him that I didn’t answer), and the driver called 911. The cop who came out, knew of his previous 5150, and even tho his mom was crying and begging her to take him in on a 5150 hold, the officer took Sean to the back of the house, and told him she hoped his day would get better …

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After I got off work, I had to pick up my friend from work, and race to the kids school, because my daughter was singing in a talent show. Her show was at 6pm, and not sure what kind of music you listen to, but she and her friend sang “Just give me a reason” by Pink … Extremely ironic and eerie, after the fact, and it took me about a month before I could even listen to the song again … On the way home from the talent show, I asked the kids about how Sean was that morning, because I had yelled at him for talking around the kids, and they told me that he had gone “cuckoo”, he woke our daughter up 45 mins early for school, and told her to get out of her diaper (she’s 9 years old), and my son (7 years old) said that he was talking to the closet …

I had been home for less than an hour, and a private number was calling me. I was truly expecting it to be Sean. It was the sheriff’s department, and they said that they couldn’t find my house, and they were calling to make sure that I knew what had happened today … I told them yes, I knew … She said “you already know” I said yeah, Sean jumped in front of a car, and that’s when it hit me … They wouldn’t call to tell me he was ok … She then told me that he had hung himself, and at that point I just collapsed, started crying and rocking back and fourth on my knees. My friend kept asking me what happened but I couldn’t answer her, so she took the phone from me and asked what the caller had said to me. She hung up on the sheriff and immediately called Sean’s mom, who answered, and my friend said “We just got a really weird call, is everything ok?” and his mom told her, “No, everything is not ok. Sean is gone.” His mom stayed on the phone with my friend, and calmed her down and told her to promise not to leave me. It was about a week later when she finally went home! lol

This all happened in my bedroom, and my kids in the next room, so I knew I had to tell them something, and lying to them never even crossed my mind …

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I couldn’t even talk yet, but I went out into the living room and told the kids. It was awful. I sat and held them and cried with them for a while … I couldn’t even catch my breath, so I took the kids next door to my dad’s house, and had them watch tv over there, so I could calm myself down. I wasn’t doing anything but making it worse for them at that point … When they came back home, the most important thing I wanted and NEEDED to re-iterate to them, was that their daddy was very sick, and that the daddy they saw that morning was not the same as their daddy. He loved us all way too much to ever do that. I was also very honest with them, on everything, except for the HOW … It was @4 weeks later that I told them, because I found out that the kids at school were talking about how, and I didn’t want them to hear about it from anyone but me …

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