26 days after my world stopped

TRIGGER WARNING: This content deals with an account of suicide and may be triggering to some people.

I am sharing this from my writings on June 24, 2013. This was written just 26 days after Sean died by suicide.

26 days ago, I became a 32 year old, single mother of 2 amazing, beautiful, smart and scarred children. Allison (Alli) is 9, Dylan is 7.

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Sean, the love of my life, the father of my children, my lover and best friend, hung, himself in the garage of his grandma’s home, where he, his mother and grandmother lived, on May 30, 2013 at 4:21 pm. The same home where my kids spent 50% of their time because I had moved out 2 months earlier.

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Sean spent 5 days in a psychiatric facility for attempting suicide in March. I didn’t want to move out. I wanted to stay and help him fight whatever mental illness he was battling, but, you see, the mental illness had me at the center at all of his delusions. In his mind, I was having an affair with a very important person who had the ability, power and access, to have cameras all over the house and vehicles, the ability for me to communicate thru an invisible ear piece, and who also wanted him dead.

We had a very complicated life when we were together …I thought that if I just kept waiting, one day, he would eventually see the truth, everything would go back to normal, and and we could get back to being “us” again. But that day never came. We had been together since March 2001. Sean and I were married on June 22, 2003.

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The delusions made him scared, afraid, and alone. He believed that there was a life insurance policy on him, so I eventually agreed to give him a divorce, so he would feel safe. Our divorce was final on March 29, 2013, and no, there was no life insurance policy.

That is just a TINY snapshot of what I have been dealing with for the past couple years. And yet, even still, I am not mad at him. Because, I know without a doubt, that my Sean , the man I fell in love with, was gone a long, long time ago. My Sean loved our kids more than anything in this world, and NEVER would have left the kids or I, this way.

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And, for some reason, I find comfort in being able to explain that to the kids. I believe it is VERY important for them to understand that he was very sick, and that his brain was playing tricks on him, because there is NO way that their dad would ever hurt himself on purpose, and their daddy loved us too much to ever leave us behind this way.

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His memorial was 2 days ago, at a racetrack, per his wishes.

lt happened to fall our 10 year wedding anniversary. June 22, 2013.

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