I’m failing miserably!!

I wrote the beginning of this post, a few weeks ago, in the parking lot of the Martial Arts Center where my son is learning Karate. Thursday, October 17, 2013. I am, still, so absent minded and scatter brained!! Sure, it is getting better, and my brain is, slowly, beginning to recuperate, from the initial shock of Sean’s death but I am in no way, capable of multi-tasking, or handling the multitude of tasks I did before he died.

A week later, I received an email from my daughter’s 4th grade teacher, that for the past 3 days in a row, Alli  has turned in incomplete math homework. I had an email conversation with him within the past couple weeks about her turning in incomplete math homework, not doing her spelling homework and about how she is nearly failing 4th grade. I told him that we are still trying to find a sense of normalcy, and this year I have not been as involved or active with the kids and the school, as in years past, and that I would also put more effort in to be actively involve with the work needed to be done outside of class.

October 17, 2013: Well, apparently I am failing miserably. Today, I have just had enough! The kids can’t seem to talk to each other with any respect, they treat me like I am an inconvenience, and I just feel depleted, physically and emotionally. I felt very defeated, when I realized that my daughter isn’t failing 4th grade … I’m failing her!! It’s MY anxiety level that sky rockets the minute I pick them up from school. I am the one with NO patience, compassion or understanding. It wasn’t me that the kids would cry for when they got hurt, it was daddy they wanted. Sean had the patience to understand, explain and explore with the kids. NOT ME. I am demanding, impatient and too anxious and scatter-brained to remember anything and I expect way too much from 2 broken and hurting children!! … And I guess I forget …  THEY LOST HIM TOO!!

They lost him too!!

They lost him too!!

I just don’t know how to do this without him!! I don’t know how to do this on my own! Whether Sean and I were living together or apart, he ALWAYS did his part. The very short time that he lived a couple hours away and did not see the kids for a few months, was during a time that I was living with my parents, and my mom helped me with the kids. She is gone now too, and the only help I get, anymore, is from Sean’s mom, who is struggling in her own grief journey as much as I am, if not more, and Sean’s sister, who works full time and has a husband and 2 young kids of her own to care for. The few family members who live near enough to help with the kids, haven’t so much as called to offer their condolences, let alone, ask me how my kids are handling the death of their father! So, it’s just me. And I have no clue what I am doing!!

The same night that I wrote that, I had a complete and total meltdown. I cried uncontrollably for over an hour. I just felt hopeless and worthless. I felt defeated. I felt like running away and hiding forever. I had just gotten my starter package, as I am now going to start selling Origami Owl, and then my mouth started really hurting. I started thinking that there was no way that I could go around selling something, and going into peoples’ homes,(I will expand on this topic in the future) with teeth like mine! Then I started worrying about being able to support the kids and I, and with the holidays (which will be another topic, in and of itself) coming up, I don’t know how I will ever be able to pull off Christmas! Just the thought of going back to work right now, scares the hell out of me! I’m in no shape to be with normal people … still!! And being at home with the kids, and being able to drop them off in the morning and pick them up after school, is something I think we both need … I am, as always, a work in progress, but it’s progress over perfection, and I am continually making progress in the right direction!

The following day, I was given a mental break, when the kids spend the weekend at Grandma’s. They were gone from Friday afternoon, until Sunday evening. I was still very emotional and on the verge of tears the whole time, but 2 days away from each other, really did the kids and I some good.

In the midst of all this, I also realized that I need to start participating in life. The kids (as much as I may wish they would) are not going to clean the house the way I would.

THEY ARE KIDS … and it’s time I start being a mom again … A GOOD MOM!!

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5 comments

  1. Thank you for the courage to write this post! It’s hard to go through something like this let alone share it with the world! You are NOT failing miserably. The fact that you are able to voice your feelings is a huge success! You just reaffirmed for me that I need to keep going with my mission to help women to be as honest as you are! Things will get better for you!

  2. I completely understand the free falling feeling of parenting alone after losing a husband to suicide. I lost my sweet Michael on 09-19-2011 to depression and suicide and am parenting our now 9 year old son alone. Can I please just say that your grief journey is still very very new so you need to be especially kind to yourself. Rese when you can, (hard, I know with kids!) and when you feel those overwhelming feelings of rage, hurt, abandonment, etc….FEEL them..right through to the very end of them. It is part of the healing. I did not do that, I held it all in and am suffering for it now. Sounds like you have a couple of incredible kids and are an incredible Mamma…..you CAN do this. Hugs to all of you and may peace of mind and heart be yours in abundance.

    1. Thank you Kim. It does help, knowing that I am not alone in this journey. I am afraid that I too, am stuffing my feelings. If you notice, most of my posts are not about my feelings, but factual and about situations … I am still working thru a lot of the emotional trauma caused during the last few years of my husbands life, and working hard on allowing myself to work thru the emotions … fingers crossed!

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