power of fear

The power of fear

After Sean’s passing, I had a car, and I also had his truck. It’s great to have a back up vehicle, but I just couldn’t afford to have a vehicle, just sitting, and with Christmas around the corner … I had to sell one. There was NO way I could let go of his truck. The car probably would have been smarter for me to keep, but Dylan already tells me that it will be his truck when he gets older, there is no way I could get rid of it!

power of fear

I drive his truck

I posted the listing late Sunday evening, and it was sold and gone, less than 24 hours later. I hadn’t had enough money to fill my tank after going my allotted 300 miles (my gas gauge has been broken, so I drive by miles, not a gauge), and I had stopped and put in $10 here $20 there, so after the car sold, Monday evening on my way home, I stopped to fill the truck up with gas, I was only able to put $20 in my tank. I was expecting to put in $60!  M had told me that she had issues with this particular gas station before, doing this exact thing, so I tried another pump, had the same issue, so I figured, screw it. I’m cold, I’m going home and I’ll fill up tomorrow.

Tuesday after karate, same thing, but at a different gas station. I am REALLY beginning to get nervous and just as we are leaving the gas station, the truck starts sputtering, like it was going to die or something! I am a nervous wreck; I make a bee line for M’s house to see if her neighbor can take a look at my truck. Nope, nothing, no one. M pulls in, 10 minutes after we get there, and her car is over-heating again … She has a bad heater core!! WONDERFUL! I had sent M’s son a text earlier, and he wouldn’t be in the area, and tells me to google it and get as much information as possible, and he will talk with some of the guys he knows … I’m finding things about the EVAP system, a sylinoid valve, cap seals, and all kinds of other things. The only thing I can think is; ‘wonderful, what if something happens to this truck! I just sold my back up yesterday! I can’t call Sean to tell him what’s going on with it anymore and have him diagnose and fix it for me, and he can’t come rescue me if something happens … what if something happens?!’

I’m trying to get a hold of anyone and everyone who knows anything about cars … nothing. I knew I had enough gas to get home, so we went home. Wednesday afternoon, I decided to make my way to Wal-Mart to get some groceries and a few things I need for my Origami Owl Launch Parties I’m having Friday and Saturday. I stopped at the gas station, no luck. Couldn’t even use a gas can! I am FREAKING out, I haven’t been able to put much gas in, over the past few days, and I know I’m going to run out of gas!! No one I knew could come do anything until later, and I still had to go pick up the kids from school, take them home, get Dylan ready for karate, and have him to the awards ceremony so he could get his patch by 5:30p. I am in FULL panic mode. And then it dawned on me. One of Alli’s best friends’ parents own an auto repair shop! OK, I’ll see if I can run by and have someone just take a quick look and see if they can see something. I called, and they said sure, come on down. I was CERTAIN that I was going to run out of gas on my way there!

I made it there, and they looked at the truck for a while, asked me if it could be full, and I said, “there’s NO way! I drove my 300 miles, and put in $10 here, $20 there, and now I can’t fill it up!”

Sometimes, it will take a few tries to get it started as well, and they thought my fuel pump was bad. He walked in the office at 3:45pm and asked me “Do you have time?” And I replied, “How much time do I need?” They told me the fuel tank had to be dropped, and it was almost 4pm, kids still were at school, and Dylan had karate at 5:30pm and I was 30-45 minutes away. So I started calling people. My dad said he could pick up the kids from school for me, but he had stuff to do, so I needed to come straight there when I was done. I didn’t want to screw up his plans, so I called Sean’s sister to see if she could meet my dad at the Karate dojo so he could leave, and I would be there as fast as I could. It took me a bit, and my phone was at 11% when I finally got everything situated. And of course, no one had a charger!!

I walked to a neighboring company and hallelujah! I plugged my phone in and went back to the auto shop. About 5pm, he came in and explained and showed me the part they tried, and said the gauge cluster in the dash is the reason that the gas gauge isn’t working, and they will need the truck for 2 days so they can send the cluster out, have it repaired and sent back. And then he proceeded to tell me that my tank was … FULL … I started thinking about how much I had put in, and how far I had driven and OMG, I have never before, felt like such an idiot!!

I was talking with Sean’s mom and sister and realized, the FEAR alone, caused SO much panic, stress and anxiety, because I didn’t have Sean to come and save me anymore. I was afraid of something happening to me and not being able to pick up the kids, or I don’t even know what, but it was fear. He was my safe security. I knew, no matter what we were going through, he would be there to help me. He was always my knight in shining armor, and now he is gone. And all I am left with … is fear.

Fear is one of the most powerful emotions I have ever experienced. If you have never experienced fear in such force, be grateful, but don’t underestimate it either!! I knew Sean was afraid and scared. Though, I still did not realize how powerful fear can truly be …

How powerful is your fear?



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