Dear Diary March 23, 2013

Please check out my new website and read my new feature, Dear Diary. The first post is from the day my husband made his first attempt to take his life.

Purpose

I have moved! Please see my post Purpose on my new website!

Tattoo Update and upcoming projects!

Sorry I haven’t posted much lately! I’m in the middle of multiple projects at home! I’m rearranging, decorating and organizing my home and I’m also covering my couches and making a memory quilt with Seans clothes! I’ve been busy, busy, busy!! So stayed tuned for upcoming posts!!

Just live your life and remember me. Please don’t let those kids forget me. Tell them who I was before all the drugs and fighting. I love you, always have and always will.

These are the last few sentences from the final letter I received from Sean. Months ago I decided that my next tattoo would be the words 
image

in Sean’s handwriting.

image

What do u think?! I LOVE it! And I think he did an AMAZING job!

suicide memorial tattoo

Tattoo

Just live your life and remember me. Please don’t let those kids forget me. Tell them who I was before all the drugs and fighting. I love you, always have and always will.

These are the last few sentences from the final letter I received from Sean. Months ago I decided that my next tattoo would be the words suicide memorial tattoo

in Sean’s handwriting. I don’t know exactly where I’m going to put it yet, nor have I decided if I will be including anything else with my tattoo. I just know that I will be getting it tomorrow!

I’ll be sure to post pictures!!

I would love any suggestions about this! Where I could get it, or if I should add something to it!!

Our Home

Making This House Our Home

The kids and I, currently, live next door to my dad. He lives in the main house, and we live in the guest house.
Make this house our home

I am SO greatful that I am able to stay here!

Our Home

Our Home

Who, in their right mind, wouldn’t love this place?! It’s absolutely gorgeous!

make this house our home

make this house our home

We have goats too!

Anyhow, I decided a while back, that we have been here long enough, and since we are not planning on moving anytime soon, it’s time for us to make this house our home! It’s very difficult to put things away if everything doesn’t have a place to go! Plus, it makes finding those things, all that much more difficult later!!

But it’s going to take a lot of work!!

We haven’t even lived here for a year. I moved in about six weeks before Sean’s death.

Not because I wanted to …

It was in an effort to make him feel more comfortable about his suspicisions, because he thought that I was having an affair with a drug king pin, and we wanted to have him killed (I will go into more detail about Sean’s paranoia and delusions at a later time). Needless to say, I never really got good and settled in, before Sean’s death, and since then, life has been pretty up and down. We are unpacked and moved in, but it doesn’t quite have that “home” feeling, which I think will do nothing but benefit, not only our relationships with one another, but with our own sense of security as well!

Not very long ago, I was failing miserably, I didn’t even have the ability to stay on top of the kids about picking up after themselves or even myself. Now, however, I can. I am and I will continue to do so.

I have a few projects and ideas, about what will really help make this place more useable and feel more like home.

  • THROW AWAY non-necessities!
  • Organize, organize organize
  • Rearange the living space and bedrooms
  • Decorate and redecorate

I keep trying to explain to the kids, that if they just picked up after themselves, they would never have to clean again, but they just don’t listen to me! So, I am going to show them, and lead by example!! 

I am NOT one to make new year’s resolutions. I think that if you’re ready to make a change, then you will. Why wait until it’s a new year? But this is not a new year resolution. This is a lifestyle update!

Goodbye 2013!

I am MORE than happy to be closing the door on 2013!! I lost my mom January 21st to cancer, and my husband, a very short, 4 months later, to suicide. I went from having a fantastic job, making great money, with amazing medical benefits, to being unable to work due to the inability to focus or concentrate. I also went from being a mom with help, whether that be living with Sean, or apart from him, he ALWAYS did his part, and then some, to being mom AND dad, with very little help.

NYE 2012

2013 has been a year I never want to remember, but one that I will never forget.

Last year I was still drinking. This year I’m not. I can’t.

 

NYE 2012

There is nothing to celebrate

My son has really been having a difficult time over the last week or so. I wish there was something I could do or say to help him … but there isn’t. All I can do is let him cry and feel his feelings. He needs to feel them, if he is ever going to work through them. With all of the holiday’s, Christmas and Sean’s birthday coming up on Christmas Eve, it is becoming a little overwhelming for a 7 year old little boy who idolized his father.

Missing daddy

Dylan loved Sean more than anything

Sean and Dylan were EXTREMELY close. And honestly, I don’t know that he will ever really be ready to say good bye.

best friends

They were best friends

I hope that in years to come, he will want to celebrate the holidays.The other night, I held him while he cried himself to sleep.  It was awful, absolutely broke my heart, and the following day, he said to me,

“I don’t want to have Christmas because there is nothing to celebrate! I don’t want Christmas without daddy becasue it’s just not the same!!”

What am I supposed to say to that?! He’s right! It’s NOT the same. And I basically told him that he was right, and that we still have to live our lives, just like we are, because Daddy would never want to ruin Christmas for us. He would want us to remember his, carry him with us in our hearts, and move  forward in life. So, now it’s our job to make him proud. 

I know that what I told him is true, but it’s so hard to remember when I’m missing him SO much …

there is nothing to celebrate

November 2012

Christmas 2013

Crushing Their Christmas Spirit

Christmas 2012

2012, Sean’s final Christmas

It’s hard to believe how much has changed in just one years time … A year ago, Sean and I were scrambling to pull Christmas together at the very last minute, as usual.

Christmas 2013

2013 – Our 1st Christmas without Sean

And this year, I am doing everything I can, to avoid anthing that has to do with Christmas. 

The last few years, I haven’t had the Christmas spirit like I used to, but now that both my mom and Sean are gone, the desire to enjoy the holidays is gone completely … Sometimes I even get angry at people who are enjoying the season … because they get to spend it with the people who love them love unconditionally, and with whom they love unconditionally … Husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers and kids … And I spent Christmas with my mom and my husband last year, for the last time, so the only people I share uconditional love with, are my kids … They truly are my reason for living  and the ONLY reason I haven’t ignored the holidays completely. For them … I have to keep myself from crushing their christmas spirit. 

I can’t believe it!

Wow! I can’t believe that it’s December 8th already and it’s been weeks since I’ve posted!! Now that I now have internet back at home, I should be able to post more often. And, I would like to know, where has this year gone?! Last year around this time, Sean and I were shopping for nice Christmas clothes for the kids and ourselves to wear to my work Christmas Party.  We were so excited to have family Christmas pictures! The last time we had family pictures taken, professionally, was Christmas 2005.

Ladd Christmas 2005

Christmas 2005

Alli was 1-1/2 years old, and Dylan was in my tummy! We all sure have changed, haven’t we?!

Ladd Christmas 2012

Christmas 2012

Christmas is almost here … and I am really trying hard to get into the Christmas spirit, I just can’t. I’m actually dreading Christmas this year and the kids are too … This will, not only be the first Christmas without grandma, and without Sean, but Sean’s birthday is also on Christmas Eve, so it will not be a double whammy, but a triple whammy!! And I am trying SO hard, to make sure the kids don’t feel too disappointed, because they are used to Christmas with my mom, and my mom had a habit of going a little crazy at Christmas! But I am trying my best, and I think I am doing pretty good … I hope I am …

I’m having a difficult time with shopping, too. I have had to leave stores before purchasing what I had in my cart, because I broke down after walking by the men’s section … i should be purchasing Christmas and birthday gifts for Sean … He should be helping me decide what gifts to get for the kids …

Just today, Dylan said to me, “I never thought I could make it one day without daddy before, and now it’s been over 6 months.”

I can’t believe it’s been 6 months already … The time as flown by, and if you ask me what I have done during this time, I won’t be able to give you a clear answer …

Not ready to say goodbye

My heart is very heavy for the  kids tonite … They are ar their art therapy bereavement group. 

Tonite they are writing goodbye letters to their loved ones 😦

Dylan teared up and told me wasn’t ready to say goodbye …

Gonna be a snuggle in momnys bed  kinda nite!! :/